Grand Theft Jesus-IJ Released!

Abort Jesus
Locale: Colorado Springs

Cruising the streets of Xianity's Rome, players are equipped with baseball bats and automatic weapons and given the opportunity to beat and shoot doctors who perform abortions, women who have abortions, gays, and leading "Democrat" politicians.

For expert players, there is a secret door in Colorado Springs that leads to Ted Haggard's New Life Church. There, a grinning Pastor Ted shouts, "The Bible's bloody!" and tells the player to loudly condemn homosexuality. (Hint: If you do so, you are promptly whisked to a place where you can engage in all the gay virtual sex you desire.)

Warning: Beware of the mirrors that pop up unexpectedly in this mission. A player who finds himself shouting "Fag!" while in front of a mirror may be locked out of the game.

Hurricane Jesus
Locale: New Orleans

On this mission, players get to send a massive storm into New Orleans and watch gays and African Americans drown before their very eyes as Inverted Jesus smiles, George W. Bush sits idly, fondly recalling his hell-raising days as a young alcoholic in the French Quarter, and a character named Brownie does nothing at all.

Mission Accomplished
Locale: The White House

Hear God speaking through your character! The player actually gets to be George W. Bush and start his very own war of choice, because in GTJ, Jesus is pro-choice on wars of choice! This section of the game is so complex that the game-makers say you can play it for a hundred years!

Adam's Vengeance
Locale: The Garden of Eden and places to the East

"In a market as competitive as this one, you just can't let yourself be outdone in misogyny," said a spokesman for Xianity Fantasy Games. "It's no longer exciting enough just to have women be graciously submissive. Most of the market for GTJ and similar games is male, and we need to offer them an opportunity to really take it out on women, like they can in GTA IV. So we've added a mission near the end of GTJ-IJ called 'Adam's Vengeance.' We're confident that guys will love it!"

The player gets the actual Adam experience: He gives birth to Eve. She then sneaks off, talks with a snake, and comes back offering a tempting deal to the player. If the player says "No deal," the game is over. But if he says, "Deal!" he immediately finds himself working in a field, sweat dripping from his forehead.

"This is where the Adam's Vengeance mission gets to be real fun," the Xianity spokesman says. "You get a chance to take out all your frustrations on a woman. You can actually rip Eve apart, limb from limb, and skewer her through the abdomen with a spear! It's a really neat feature we've added in IJ, and we're sure that it'll make us very competitive with GTA IV!"

And, finally, the last and most challenging level:

The Greater Gory of Christ
Locale: The Middle East

Here, you take on the role of Tim LaHaye, dressed in white, on a white horse, with a Sancho Panza-looking James Hagee on a donkey to your right, as you lead a vast, nuclear-equipped army into the Battle of Armageddon. You ride through rivers of blood, killing your enemies in ways so gruesome that the GTA IV creators can only dream of duplicating them. You watch your enemies, along with unconverted Jews, Muslims, and millions of others, writhe in pain, dying slow, terrible deaths as Inverted Jesus cheers.

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