Doctor; Your Diagnosis. My Death

Dr Thom helped me realize that the pain in my chest was very real. He helped me to feel safe, secure in the knowledge of what I could to. Dr Thom spoke of a means for stability, and provided time frames. Most importantly he attended to my needs, not as just another "patient," but as me, Betsy!

Thankful that this physician asked of my history and accepted that two past injuries necessitated a regular daily swim, I was able to feel comforted by his care. Indeed, months before I was authorized to walk, with a promise from me that I would not place my leg on the ground, not even in water, Dr Thom prescribed a return to the pool. Yes Doctor, he wanted me to swim, unlike you who said, stop the swim or at least cut the time in the water done to near nil. Fifteen minutes or less a day? Doctor, have you read the research and recommendations for minimal daily exercise? Perhaps you have no desire to do other than prove yourself right.

For me, what is right is a healthy relationship with one's body and other beings. If only we had genuine caring, sharing exchanges. I believe we do not. In each of our talks, your trepidation for what you feel is my impending death, is inescapable. It seems to shade your every diagnosis.

Doctor, I know you are not G-d. You do not have the power to give me life. However, a professional such as you can cause my demise. The innumerable reports that document a patient's passing at the hands of his or her physician cannot be ignored.

Certainly, I may have over-reacted or reacted as any healthy person would to your decree; I lie or I die, possibly both. Imagine my surprise, I entered your office the picture of health, and was pronounced a perishable commodity. You said, were you to review my chart in a hospital, you would order a full body transfusion. Until you were certain why results of the blood tests were so dire, you wanted me to see four specialists and a therapist. A therapist?

That statement alone spoke volumes; however, it was a hush in comparison to the stated accusation. You were concerned that I had returned to the world of bulimia. Oh had you, or most any Doctor who diagnoses what professionals call an eating disorder, experienced the thrill of leaving that past behind, you might understand how wonderful it is to have my life back.

For years now, days, weeks, months, decades, devoted to food do not consume me. Close to a decade has passed since I spent more time bingeing and purging than you do sleeping or working. Can you imagine? What might you feel if you were finally free of all that constrained your very being?

Oh Doctor, I know you cannot conjure up such a connection. Were you able to relate to my reality you would not have said and done as you did.

You dismissed my words, my truth, all that I had learned, felt, and experienced in the twenty-five years and three months that I battled with the bulimia. More significantly, you concluded that the many years since I last vomited were null and void. In your infinite wisdom, you decided that a Doctor knows much more about an individual than the person, him or her self, does.

With few visits in our past and little conversation, you know what is real for me? You think practitioners who have never met me before will assess my health more accurately. Based on what, more standards of "normal."

Your counsel crushed any sense of a connection. Your stated distrust of me is as a surgical knife; it cuts to the core. When a Doctor doubts a patient, the effect is profound. At least it has been in my experience. However, it seems you are not truly interested in my experience or that of others. Oh, how I wanted to explain my truth when we spoke on the telephone today. Your response, "He, she, or I am not a trained medical Physician." may have cured me of that desire.

However, happily I was able to sneak in one thought whilst we chatted. A Doctor I am acquainted with has often expressed that medical school is like a technical college. Practitioners and Surgeons are analogous to Mechanics. For each, diagnosis is the greatest challenge. An educated guess, or "evaluation" only captures what is typical. You offered no thought on what another Physician pronounced as his truth. Perchance, you are still of the mind that you know what you know.

As an Educator and an observer of humanity, I share what I believe. Knowledge is not power! Empathy empowers. If only you chose to be empathetic, to consider what is beyond book knowledge. Perhaps, then, people, patients, might be real to you rather than fall into one or two categories. Terminal or test-proven fit as a fiddle.

• Bulimia & Your Teeth, By Brian McKay, DDS. Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today. Spring 2007 Volume 5, Number 2
• The benefits of: Swimming. By Brigid Delaney. Cable News Network. May 24, 2007
• High Water Marks, By Judy Foreman. Boston Globe. Page 2 June 14, 2010
• How much physical activity do adults need? Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
• America's Health Care System is the 3rd Cause of Death Barbara Starfield, M.D. Journal of the American Medical Association, 284(4), 483-485 2000