Satire is getting harder and harder to recognize. Just think how many times lately you've come across a news story and said to yourself: "That couldn't be true; it must be a joke." The real news too often is just as scarily ridiculous as the faux news Jon Stewart "reports" on The Daily Show.
With that in mind, and to demonstrate the point, I've put together a bunch of short news items. See if you can identify which ones are made up and which are real. (Answers below.)
1. Election officials from around the U.S., citing the money that could be saved and bowing to the desire of more and more states to be the first in the nation to get voters to the polls, have ruled that the first primary for 2112 will take place in all 50 states during the 2008 election.
"It was easy to see which way the 'we're-first' primary wind was blowing," said a statement from the Association of Secretaries of State, "so it seemed to make more sense to combine the two elections, and save the voters the torture of having to go through four years of non-stop campaigning by taking care of the situation now. Of course, we do realize that by taking this step, the campaign for 2116 most likely will begin in November 2008."
2. Florida State Representative Bob Allen (Republican), who is white, explained his arrest for solicitation for sex by saying he was so frightened by all the black males in and around the men's room in a Titusville park that he thought the best course of action for his continued survival was to offer the black guy whose stall he entered $20 for a blow-job.
3. By a vote of 400 to 35, Congress has created an independent, bipartisan Truth & Reconciliation Commission with regard to the Iraq War. According to the bill, Administration officials will be granted amnesty for their crimes as long as they provide a complete and honest recitation of their part in getting the United States into the war and their knowledge and role during the occupation. Those who choose not to appear, or who perjure themselves before the Commission, could be tried before criminal and international war crimes courts. Agreeing to co-chair the Commission are former South African leaders President Nelson Mandela and Bishop Desmond Tutu.
DO YOU FEEL A DRAFT?
4. The Bush Administration, having seen how incensed the political opposition was during the Vietnam War when there was a military draft, has stayed far away from even considering such a call-up. However, the military is stretched thin in Afghanistan and Iraq, the troops are exhausted by their multiple deployments, recruitment is way down, and this while the Administration is planning for an upcoming attack on Iran. So, the draft, once anathema to the CheneyBush Administration, is now being trial-ballooned. The so-called war czar, Army Lt. General Douglas Lute, said that the U.S. has to meet "the demands of the nation's security by one means or another," and therefore, "I think it makes sense to certainly consider it."
5. Despite his having commuted the prison sentence for Cheney's then-chief of staff Scooter Libby, convicted by a jury of perjury and obstruction of justice in the Plamegate case, Bush said Libby received "severe punishment" and "paid a high price" for his crime by being named a felon. Many far-right conservatives are in full agreement that there must be accountability for wrongdoers, and that, even with the commutation, Libby is receiving "harsh punishment" by his having been adjudged guilty. At the same time, they are now calling for Bush to nullify Libby's conviction with a full pardon.
6. White House political advisor Karl Rove, seemingly confident that he can remain in power through the end of Bush's term (even as he exits his White House office), yesterday proudly conceded that he was personally involved in the firing or forced resignations of more than a dozen U.S. Attorneys around the country. He told a forum at the American Enterprise Institute: "The President has the legal authority to hire and fire these attorneys at will -- they are political appointees, after all -- and I was glad to help him in this process. The President needs U.S. Attorneys he has faith in and who will follow his guidance in terms of the issues. We broke no laws in firing those not fully supportive of the President and in installing new attorneys we knew we could count on. If the Democrats want to continue to flog this dead horse for partisan purposes, that's their business. But we will not cooperate."
7. The Bush Administration was able to slide out from under the terms of the Geneva Conventions protecting prisoners of war by not calling those it detained "prisoners of war." Instead, the Administration invented the term "enemy combatants." When "enemy combatant" was ruled unconstitutionally vague by the Supreme Court, the Bush Administration renamed the detainees "undocumented fighters." Experts expect that the government will be able to do what it wants with these prisoners until all the "undocumented-fighter" court cases have been adjudicated, which could be five to seven years.
8. Troops on the ground in Iraq, as with their earlier counterparts in the Vietnam War, say they are frightened all the time and do not always know how to recognize the "friendlies" from the "bad guys." Two Marines who took part in a slaughter of two dozen civilians standing by a car in Haditha in 2005 were exonerated by the commanding general in the case, who said while "we exercise discipline and restraint to protect the innocent on the battlefield," he was "sympathetic" to the challenges Marines face on the ground in Iraq, noting that a roadside bomb had taken out one of their buddies minutes before the Marines massacred the civilians standing by their car.
A REPUBLICAN AND HOUSE PAGES
9. Breaking News! It was revealed today that Republican Rep. Hank Button, who took over from disgraced Republican Rep. Mark Foley as Chairman of the Page Program in the House, and who was a Boy Scout leader who had taken scores of young boys into the woods on camping expeditions, has not been accused of child sexual abuse, marital infidelity, messing around with hookers, or any other moral failing. More as this odd story doesn't develop.
10. Representative Nancy Pelosi, who even before her election as Speaker of the House said the issue of impeachent was "off the table," recently told constituents that if she weren't Speaker she'd probably be moving for the impeachment of Bush and Cheney.
Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations, has taught at universities in California and Washington, worked for two decades as a writer-editor at the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently serves as co-editor of The Crisis Papers (www.crisispapers.org).
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