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29% like yanking hangnails. “It's satisfying, jerking out that slip of skin. I feel like I’m taking care of my own health problem,” said Festus Cheney (no relation) of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. “Literally plucking it out--without government help--then watching it bleed.”29% like sitting on hot, crispy plastic. “It’s a riot--you’re poolside, sitting on a chaise, and when you stand up, the skin on your thighs almost snaps off,” remarked Mycki Worthington of New Baghdad, Indiana. “It gets me in touch with the suffering in, like, Darfur.”
29% like eating crayons. “I especially like Crimson and Rust Red,” declared Moose Washington of Oakland, California. “Puts me in mind of the Lord Jesus bleeding on the cross for the Democrats and other evildoers.”
29% enjoy urban gunfire. “Many a summer night, the missus and me like to sit on the front porch with a six pack,” commented Reuben Ridge of Philadelphia, “and listen to gangbangers shooting a few blocks to the north. The missus says it’s like free fireworks. Can’t tax that!”
29% remember 9/11 fondly. “Such a rush, such a united sense of purpose,” reported Darleen Clackamas of Tonya-Harding, Oregon. “Glued to that TV night after night like it was the greatest reality show ever invented. Plus, I cried and cried, and my husband Waylon says I’m at my prettiest when I get weepy. I will never forget the heroism of the President, with his bullhorn and pet goat on top of that horrible, stinking patriotic pile.”
29% still approve of Mr. Bush. “He’s so impressive, forever standing at attention in his flight suit, Mission Accomplished,” noted Chauncey Poodle of Sugarland, Texas. “He’s as red-meat, all-American as an oil fire in the Houston Ship Channel. Sweet Baby Jesus, what kind of fool could ever resist ol' Dubya?”
