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If you have never been to Asheville before, Governor, you may not want to do to much wandering around outside the friendly confines of the Civic Center and away from your kool-aid drinking constituents. The Civic Center where you will be speaking is dangerously close to a very popular lesbian bookstore and I would not want myself or any of my friends who would like to marry our partners but cannot, because of people like you, to harm your heterosexual marriage by simply existing in the same city block as you.
While it is true that Asheville is surrounded by some counties where your back-assward ideas are pretty popular and you might want to paddle faster when you hear the banjo music, it is itself a very progressive city. It would not be unlikely at all for you to see a same-sex couple behaving in a manner that does not defer to your delicate and fragile conservative sensibilities. This is not Sodom and Gomorrha, Governor, but we are not afraid to hold hands in public here. Careful you don't turn into a pillar of salt. But don't worry, Governor, if you do, we'll know its you by the Akris Punto red leather jacket.
