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Here I am in spring training camp, thinking this was to be the most glorious chapter of my life. Instead, I am very sad that fascists are destroying Our Constitution and Bill of Rights and Congress does nothing about it but pontificate and offer impotent non-binding 'suggestions' and Impeachment is off the table for Nancy Pelosi. What do they think we elected them for?I am worried about our national pride and our sacred documents.
At any rate, life must go on, and here I am in the warm weather zones playing ball with guys the age of the girls, I date, fifty years younger than me. While I am asking these kids for batting and fielding tips, they are asking me for dating tips. How did that come about, you might ask? Here's exactly what has made me the Lothario Legend of the BIGS, in the eyes of the younger men on the squad. But, allow me to start at the beginning.
I had a long career in Wiffleball and moved up to fast pitch tennis ball, and then started playing hardball at 12. In my first game, I hit for the Circuit, single, double, triple off the fence, and long homer over it onto the EL tracks, at Columbus Park field in Oak Park, Illinois.
Four years later, after my folks turned down a contract from St. Louis, based on my 3rd Triple Crown and MVP award, I graduated to a professional Try-out kid. Go to a tryout camp, hit a few long ones, sign a contract, and then watch my folks shoot down the scout because I was under 21 and they wanted me to become a professor.
I am so happy to be heading for a career I might have had 57 years ago.
Obviously, at age 70, this is my big chance, but I am worried about our national pride and our sacred documents.
Well maybe if I get more publicity I can be quoted more widely. Anyhow, yesterday in the winter-rookies league, I faced a young flamethrower from Brazil. He threw me nothing but sliders, low and away or high and away. I could tell where the pitches were because when they are low and away they make a low buzzing sound, like a large wasp. When he threw high, it made a humming/whirring sound, like a hummingbird. When he finally caught the corner on one I said to the ump, "Larry, that sounded a little high and outside." His answer was, "Yeah, you may be right. I didn't hear it real clearly, either."
He walked me on 5 pitches and I stole second on his first pitch to my pal Jeter, who joined us for my sake, at the request of Big George S. I felt a lot better after they brought me the oxygen and carted me off the field for electronic heart stimulation.
The next day I hit a few fouls and then Sammy Sosa stopped by and gave me some batting tips. Right after his help I hit one into the center field seats. Or was it into the dugout? Can't quite remember.
Monday they started me as Designated Hitter, but I tripped over the bats, and pulled a hamstring. Later they gave me a shot of something I can't pronounce to clear out the inflammation, and I had a reaction: I walked around bumping into things and grinning a lot, and talking in a language I didn't recognize, and then I cuddled in a corner stroking my glove after which I would now and then stand up and shout, "The Czar wants caviar not peanut butter!" Later I would sit down and talk baseball with the water cooler.
The drug also affected me somewhat like the Viagra side effect where if it happens for four hours or more, you should call the doctor? Instead, I time lapse-video taped it to show all my contemporary buddies. Yesterday, as I was emerging from the shower, the Heather Graham look-alike TV sports interviewer, named Tiffani, for whom all the kids on this team have the hots, waved at me. Well, forget about the kids here making it to first base, with Tiff, they aren't even getting to the on-deck circle. Note that she didn't wave at any of them. They are flat out striking out BIG-TIME with her.
Now, it is Wednesday, and I am feeling a little better, but still having some of the side effects from that shot for my injury, which I videotaped. Well, I was interviewed coming out of the shower by that lovely female reporter, (the very Tiffani!) who kept staring down where I had no towel as she stammered around trying to ask coherent questions. I still had the frozen grin on my face from the shot and she, red-faced said, "I can see that you are happy to see me, slugger."
She really raved about me in her column, saying she thought, that despite my age and this second-childhood adventure, I seemed to be growing (up) fast, and might make-out yet in the BIGS, then she (Tiffani) called me and asked if I'd like to come over to her townhouse for dinner.
Thursday inspired by the whole experience and my date with that reporter, Tiffani, I pinch hit in the 9th inning with us one down and a man on and hit the first pitch I saw into the seats in right center field. Sammy Sosa, still visiting to see how I'd do, caught the ball in the stands and had me sign it later. Then Tiffani, who asked me to dinner again that night, interviewed me again. WOW! I am beginning to like the BIGS a lot more now!
Friday, after the effects of the shot had worn down, so did my dating, but I am going to start at DH again Saturday, so I'll let you know how things turn out. I wonder if I can get the doctors to give me another shot of that stuff. If so, I'll be asking Tiffani out to dinner after the game, for sure. She appears, unlike Memo, (Kim Bassinger in The Natural) to have a good effect on my hitting.
Monday, I got three hits, another homerun and now, it seems that the BIG-BOSS UPSTAIRS is tearing up my contract after that walk-off home run and today's performance, saying I may leave camp with the Yankees when they go back up north (east)! That's the good news, but the doctor who gave me the shot said I couldn't have it again unless I am injured, that's the not-so-good news. However, here is more good news. I bought the stuff that fellow Smiling Bob uses, for Natural Male Enhancement and it did make me smile a lot, but the doctor also gave me a prescription for that stuff Raphael Palmiero advertised, so between the two items, I may soon be calling Tiffani for another date, this time at my place! If nothing else, at least I'll be smiling a lot, again, especially after our date.
That's more than I can say for the fascists in Washington.
Well, anyway, I am chomping at the bit to face the new Red Sox pitcher from Japan. Anyway, thanks for dropping by.
