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7 October 2007
The Devil's Diary
Dear Diary:
God didn’t invent religion. I did. God said nary a word about religion to Adam and Eve. Just turned them loose naked as jay birds, free to fornicate at will, not having a single worry or the barest blush of shame is what God did.
God didn’t ask Adam and Eve for any offerings, prayers or crusades. God didn’t ask them to pass the hat or to use it to cover up their privates. All they had to do was wander creation as innocent babes. God likewise felt free to roam right along side, watching Adam and Eve frolic in paradise.
Nor did God think of them as anything other than innocents, even as they groaned most joyful sounds unto the Lord. Otherwise, if an all merciful and loving Deity had even remotely thought them capable of evil and losing their eternal souls unto damnation then God would have gone ahead and issued the Ten Commandments instead of waiting centuries for Moses to make it out of Egypt. Mercy, God is so much an optimist that not a single commandment forbidding murder came down even after Cain slew Abel.
No, that bleeding-heart God marked Cain for protection so no one would retaliate for his fratricide. But God didn’t lay down any list of do’s and don’t’s. Humanity has me to thank for that.
See, in Eden, which, of course, is a profound metaphor for early childhood, all God said was to stay away from the tree of knowledge of good and evil or else you will fall from paradise. Not having tasted of the tree, how else could they have known that tasting would be bad? How could they have known, being as innocent as infants, that the taste of pain and meanness would drive them out of paradise? How could they have known that they would spend their days wandering east of Eden, looking to go home again?
Obviously, God wanted them to taste of the tree of knowledge and to become like the immortals. Why wouldn’t I help Eve to fulfill what God tempted her to do? So what if I become the fall guy. I wanted to be the patsy. That’s my role and I’m sticking to it.
Without me, there would be no shame. Without shame, where would all the preachers be? For God had no use of preachers or sermons in Eden. All that only came much latter at my behest. After all, where would I, the devil, be if not for preachers? Where would they be without me? If there was heaven on earth, if earth was to return to Eden as originally made by God, then preachers would be out of a job. Then again, according to the Book of Revelation, when Jesus comes again, there will be no more churches or preachers.
So, I tell you, the Bible has just not given me the respect I deserve. Fortunately for me, the fundamentalists make up where the Bible is lacking. Read the Bible. There is but bare mention of me. In the Old Testament, the first clear reference is in Job, where it is written that I walk in amidst the sons of God. The rest of Job is about the little bet God and I made.
Otherwise, there is practically no mention of me elsewhere in the Old Testament. Nor is there any mention of hell. All that comes in the New Testament.
Even then, I don’t get the credit I deserve. Jesus turned his back and walked away once and for all. Paul didn’t mention hell. Jesus said it was a place of darkness that was without love. And the Book of Revelation doesn’t even mention hell but talks about a lake of burning brimstone. Otherwise the New Testament is a bunch of lovey-dovey do-good-unto-your neighbor feel-good touchy-feely warm-fuzzy peace, justice and we-are-one New Age rigamarole that bores me to hell and back.
I tell you I just haven’t got my proper respect until these modern know-it-all fundamentalists. Like the Zoroastrians, they believe that my power is on a par with God’s.
Even more to my liking, they preach that people are helpless against my powers. The only thing that people can do is to put themselves completely in the hands of the preacher or religion. They actually think I can do more than influence thoughts.
But the real power to keep me away, as Jesus and Buddha showed, is the combination of compassion and reason. Both knew that I am powerless against good will and truth. But anger, arrogance, fear, hatred, intolerance, prejudice and shame all fuel the brightest fires of literal hell on earth. And if it were not for these negative emotions, how many militant fundamentalists could utter a single word?
Ah, yes, where would the preachers be without anger, fear and shame. And where would they have gotten such negativity if not for me? For not even the Bible says that God gave shame to Adam and Eve in Eden. I made negativity into an institution and many preachers have grown fat peddling my wares. Not to mention, I might add, that without me there would be no clothes. Are you starting to get the big picture of how much I have contributed to the economy?
To all you fundamentalists fear who the dark side more than you love, allow me to thank you for all the blood sacrifices you have made in the name of holy war. Keep on blaming, shaming and flim-flamming.
Lucifer Beelzebub “Bubba” Mephistopheles de Mammon
