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31 October 2007
The Devil's Diary
Dear Diary:
How I do appreciate Christians fundamentalists frothing over Halloween. What powers they bestow me that God did not. Only Christian and Moslem fundamentalists swear that my capabilities exceed mere psychological persuasion. Upon this, even the Catholic Church and I can agree. But the fundamentalists believe I can physically grab children and spirit them off to hellish shadows and pervert them into whimpering little liberalites.
Literal minded (read simple minded and superstitious) fundamentalists believe Halloween is the night when my army of demons run wild on the earth. Actually, daytime has always worked right well for me. I prefer all sacrifices made to me be done in the name of God out in broad daylight for all to see.
Halloween’s opponents argue that it is pagan in origin and should therefore be cleansed from Christendom. Good Christians can’t allow any pagan influences to creep in.
So kick out Halloween because that is the night when the Celts celebrated the Day of the Dead. What is now Halloween was the equivalent of New Year’s eve when the ancestral spirits (auld lang syne) arose from the dead.
No more imitating those pagan Celts who left food at the doors to appease the spirits and who wore masks to scare away evil spirits. And no more drunken renditions of Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s eve, you heathen hellions. Throw out Halloween and all the pagan influences.
Next, I need to get these modern Puritans to crusade against Thanksgiving. What a field day the fundamentalists can have with Thanksgiving as its origins can be traced back to pagan harvest festivals that were held in pre-Christian Europe. Furthermore, there is the matter of the Indians, who were heathens only fit to be slaughtered and their land put to proper use by good God-fearing white Christians. What were the Pilgrims thinking in sitting down to eat with non-Christians? It smacks of pluralism and multiculturism. Sorry, a proper right-wing Christian does not need to do anything that can be remotely linked to paganism or pluralism.
Following Thanksgiving, the modern anti pagan purists need to ban Christmas as did the Puritans in England in 1647 and in New England in 1659. Christmas is nothing but an appeasement to the pagan Romans, they argued. How right they were.
Christmas largely originated in the 4th century as sort of a Christian substitute for the Roman Festival of Saturn, the god of agriculture. This celebration lasted a week during the winter solstice. Under the ancient Roman calendar, the winter solstice fell on December 25, celebrated by the Romans as the Natalis Solis Invicti, the Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun.
The Romans also celebrated December 25 as the birthday of the child-god, Mithra, the ancient Persian god of light, who underwent a miraculous pastoral birth attended by wise men. Mithra was called the savior and worshiped as the god of friendship, honesty and success. To honor the spirit of Mithra and the Festival of Saturn in general, the Romans exchanged gifts, celebrated and stayed away from work and war.
In order to maintain continuity and keep the peace, Pope Gregory I allowed Christian missionaries to adapt pagan traditions from various countries. Christians thus incorporated pagan traditions such as the Christmas tree, Yule Log, holly and mistletoe.
No doubt about it: Christmas is overwhelmingly pagan in origin and must go.
The same holds true for any New Year celebration based upon the pagan Roman solar calendar. Bring back a Biblical lunar calendar. If it was good enough for Moses then it should be good enough for fundamentalists.
Of course, the Easter bunny and eggs have got to go. Even the name is objectionable. Easter derives from the month “Eostremonat.” This month appears to have been for worshiping the goddess, Eostre. Associated with Eostre are traditions of a bunny and eggs. Just wait until I tell the fundamentalists that Easter egg hunts are really a form of radical feminist earth worship!
Ah, yes, what hell will break loose when I further work up these holier-than-thou fundamentalists to try outlawing trick-or-treating, turkey day, Christmas trees, Auld Lang Syne and Easter egg hunts for not being truly Christian in origin.
Wishing for the worse and knowing that with rabid fundamentalists I will get it,
Lucifer Beelzebub “Bubba” Mephistopheles de Mammon
