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Tequila Christmas Cookies
Going into town, in winter, is no minor feat. It took over one hour to get the car ready for the fifteen minute journey over black ice and dangerously potholed country roads. First, I had to find the car. Since I knew where I had parked, chances were good that the odd shaped mound of snow and ice hunkering in the drive was in fact, my car, and not the Abominable Snowman. Engine sputtering, defrost blasting and four tools later – shovel, ice scraper, broom, screwdriver – I had removed enough snow pack and ice slabs to get the car out of the driveway. If I had had a grenade, I would have blown it up. It would have been easier – and the ice from the windshield would have been removed in no time.
Returning early evening, the air bitterly cold, I clicked on the last few minutes of the local weather report. The weatherman, in the ubiquitous ill-fitting suit, was standing in front of the Maine map, pointing to temperatures in a wide range of single digits. “So for tonight,” he began, pivoting in a suit that didn’t seem to move along with him, “temperatures will be a bit on the chilly side, ranging from ten below to five above.” Perhaps his suit had frozen in place.
A “bit on the chilly side?” There is nothing “a bit” about negative numbers or single digits. From where I come from, chilly is somewhere in the fifties. -10 to +5 degrees is insane. I went to say something snide to the t.v. set, but I was too hungry and my face too cold, so I decided to save any jaw movement for eating.
Checking emails before venturing off to stand in front of an open refrigerator door contemplating dinner, I found the following recipe. I think I laughed, although it could have been my teeth rattling. Cheers.
Tequila Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbs lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Tequila
Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality.
Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bow l and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner
Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!
P.S. In a few days, I leave for Mexico, where I will live out the winter in far balmier climes, just “a bit” warmer than a Maine winter. The San Miguel de Allende Annual Writer’s Conference will be held, oddly enough, in San Miguel de Allende, February 22-24, 2008. www.sanmiguelworkshops.com. Chances are favorable that tequila will be available along the way. Saludos.
