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THE INFAMOUS DRUG COMPANY FIASCOThere was this drug company and it had a fiasco...(That is how I wanted to write this story, but they wouldn't even let me, so here is how I wrote it.)
A friend who is a research supervisor at Drughem, Drainhem, Intoxifyhem and Buryhem Inc., the manufacturer of drugs, pesticides, solvents and toxic waste gave me this story.
What do they make, you ask? That IS the product-they simply manufacture toxic waste as in the Quiz-show line "Congrats! You won a Toxic waste garbage disposal Unit and a years supply of non-disposable, toxic waste."
How do they know it is toxic waste they are making?? Simple, first, they flood streams, aquifers and wells, with pesticides, nuclear waste, solvents and herbicides. Then they wait to see how many babies are born with the antlers of a moose, the head of a collie and the IQ of a kumquat.
Then they use what's left to advertise as cures for a variety of common maladies, and even for simple human inconveniences, like: Blinking, sleeping, not sleeping, eating, not eating, being too ugly, too handsome, being too smart, or too dumb, for having to much anxiety, or being too calm, snoring or being unable to snore like a normal goof, having too much sex, (an addict? I can think of worse addictions.)
One commercial goes: "Are you always looking for a corner out of sight, in which to pee? When you do if a pretty girl walks by and you turn your head to look, do you often pee on your shoes? Do you sometimes find yourself tapping your fingers, or twisting your curls? Do you, when addressing strangers, if asked an innocent question like, where is your keeper, perform a series of sudden cartwheels, or do you resort to tomfoolery?"
If so, you may be suffering from Sillywillieness syndrome. Never heard of it you say? Aha, that is another of its most insidious symptoms! You may need SillyWilly Hydrochloride (SWH). With SWH, as soon as you are asked a question of any sort, even in the classroom, the cartwheel is intercepted in mid-air and you are suspended there until the next question, after which the cartwheel is resumed, but sideways.
Another drug is for watery eyes and sneezing. God forbid that you should have the inconvenience to sneeze, or cry. Now, when your eyes dry up and your sneezes start backfiring out through your ears, they add a drug, which floods your eyes and eventually the room, and allows you to start sneezing again, but through your navel. This propels you around the flooded room like a jet boat until you reach the door.
One drug is for those who have trouble with sex, it is called GYTITUP HCL (or GTPH). It advocates that if you have an attack of priapism, which lasts four hours, or more see your doctor for a cure to the problem immediately! I say if you have an erection for four hours or more take a time-lapse video of it to show all the guys and then take out an ad with pictures in every women's magazine on the planet, soliciting their help in curing the problem, even if it takes days.
They have another drug for constipation. The side effects are that some people start "going" for days at a time, until their wives put them in the barn with the horses. (Some of the wives whose husbands are suffering from chronic priapism (with or without GTPH) are also putting their husbands in this barn.
They also have a drug for women who suffer from lazy libido. It emits synthesized pheromones of the African Great Ape, the wild stallion, the German Shepherd, and the Musk Ox, and so powerful is it that neither the women nor the male object of their affection can resist its sexual motivator. It is called FRIGIDNO HCL (FGDNO HCL); it stimulates their libido until their husbands begin to whine in a strange tongue and is struck by fear and terminal flaccidity.
The husbands of wives, who have become drug-induced, chronic Nymphomaniacs, have now resorted to sticking their wives in the same barn as described above.
In the TV commercial, the side-effects are explained as only occurring in less than 90% of the patients, pleasantly sing-songed to the tune of "Someday My Prince Will Come", while the women are told by a soft voiced motherly announcer, that, "You may experience fatal episodes of death-call your doctor or an undertaker should this occur.
Also, beware of certain attacks by humping dogs, which are strangely attracted to women who take FGDNO HCL, and, oh, yes, try to avoid visiting zoos, which have Musk Oxen, Apes, Stallions, and Wild Dogs. If you should become pregnant and give birth do not be alarmed if your first born more resemble a whinnying dog with a mane, the hairiness of an ape, the face and the odor of a Musk Ox, because with each succeeding litter, these anomalies will decrease and become more humanlike, until offspring merely resemble a hairless ape with a mane and the face of a hairless Musk Ox which barks and whinny's.
They also have a drug for laziness, which motivates you to action. One guy shoveled manure out of his barn for 48 consecutive hours, then scrubbed it clean as a whistle, remodeled it, equipping it with 10 bedrooms and showers, of which the priapist's and nymphomaniacs who were banished there by their mates, met and made good use.
With all of this sex occurring, they came up with a drug for women to prevent pregnancy and avoid their period. It is made from the venom of the rattlesnake and the Black Widow Spider, and is called BARREN&DEDLI HCL (BRD HCL)
In their commercials, a soft voiced man or woman, speaks gently to the tune of: "Someday My Prince Will Come, But I Hope Not Very Fertilely", with a very pleasant, calming voice, casually, but in an upbeat and matter of fact manner informs prospective buyers of the drug, that: "Do not be alarmed if each month instead of a period, you begin to shed your skin, and if right after sex you attack and sting to death your mate. These are normal side effects of the drug and are nothing about which to be concerned. Besides this tendency will lessen in time, and if not we will supply you with anti-venom to inject into him right after sex.
"Also do not be concerned if on occasion you have yearning to grab and eat spiders, flies and other small insects, after all it didn't seem to effect Renfield that much, until Dracula bit him again."
Overall, I do not think public advertising is too bad. So what if it undercuts physicians and seems to promote drug addiction? We have street drug dealers, why can't your neighborhood pharmacy be in on the action, legally? Therefore, what if some doctors allegedly receive some form of kickback for prescribing drugs; don't Pimps get a fee for their services?
