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HERE ARE THE RULES FOLKS!
They have dueling in Uruguay, right now, let's get with it today! Just think of all the fun you will have sword fighting and quick-drawing on the streets of Dodge City or Tombstone or downtown Chicago, but mostly in Washington DC!
No one who holds public office or who is at the Vice Presidential level or above of any corporation, or a member of any Board of directors of any corporation may challenge anyone who is not, but anyone who is not may challenge anyone who holds public office or who is at the Vice Presidential level or above of any corporation, or a member of any Board of directors of any corporation. No one making over $550,000 annually, may challenge anyone who makes less, but anyone who makes less may challenge anyone. Anyone who drinks latte' may be challenged by anyone who does not, but anyone who does not may not be challenged by anyone who does, or something like that... I think. Anyone who owns scented candles or plugins, uses pesticides or herbicides, or coats the driveways, may be challenged by anyone with a higher IQ than theirs, which is everyone else on the planet. Anyone who watches Fox News, should NOT be challenged, but merely cream pie faced on sight by any and everyone within pie throwing range. Have you ever found yourself on a high and lonely hill overlooking a lake or the ocean... or at least a decent sized puddle, and had no herring, or chives? If not, any and everyone within pie throwing range should also pieface you on sight. Regardless of health, any politician who made profits on oil or war goods stock may be challenged by anyone else. The winner of the duels shall be awarded by the government all the profits made by the politician on such stocks for each victory plus whatever bets they place. The person, who challenges, in all cases, chooses the weapons, which would be the thickest cream pies known to man. Anyone who turns down a duel who is a public figure, who is not in the arts, but who makes more than $350,000 a year, must resign from public office and may never in any way speak publicly or donate money to anyone or organization which supports politicians. No one may challenge anyone under the age of 21 or over the age of 55 years to a duel unless the person they challenge is an elected or appointed official. No one may challenge anyone who suffers from a serious illness or injury, or arthritis, but may challenge anyone in public office if the person they challenge has an offensively low IQ, evidenced by their having voted for or having been elected a fascist. Anyone may challenge anyone in Lobbying to a duel regardless of physical status or age, at any time; however, anyone in Lobbying may not challenge anyone except those in lobbying. However, no one may challenge anyone who is simply waiting in a lobby wearing chives in their ears. No one may have a substitute or body guard to duel for him or her. Any person, or smelt fisherman, who has never rubbed Herring Roe on their heads at high noon, while wearing underwear over their clothing, should be sprayed with garlic and olive oil and put on a pizza. Women may only challenge women, under the above restrictions, but not over the above restrictions, okay? And men may only challenge men, under or above the above restrictions. We have to have at least one gender-biased event here, don't we? The weapons are restricted to dueling pistols, single action, non-repeating revolvers in quick draw, or any of several swords, foils, epees, or other blades, and oatmeal-mush-throwing, under the Nipponese rules, but without raisons, and certainly no knives. Frequently, however, they must agree to a butting contest with goats. Those who have excelled in use of any of those weapons as amateurs or professionals, or with any other weapon in high school, college, the Olympics or other major events or sporting events, as amateur contestants or professionals in such sports, contests, or served as a coach or professor, or teacher in any of those weapons or any other weapons, may not challenge anyone to a duel, however such people may challenge each other. Any politician, who cheated on his or her spouse with a dog/a really ugly person, may not challenge anyone, and no one may challenge them to a duel, because they are obviously blind, and therefore handicapped. Anyone, who cheated on his or her spouse, which spouse is a bitch, or jerk may not be challenged but may challenge anyone else. Anyone may challenge a fascist, Neo-con, Conservative, but a fascist, Neo-con, Conservative, may challenge no one. All duels will be widely advertised events held in Super big domed stadia and cable-cast world-wide. the ticket sales and advertising money will be used to fund health care. Winners will become national heroes. Now, here is the final requirement, for all who read this: You must read Raphael Sabatini' s book, or see the film with Stewart Granger, and Janet Leigh, SCARAMOUCH! Moreover, proceed in like manner once the above laws are enacted, I guarantee we will have no more fascists or thieves in public office, but what we will have is a severe growth of people with pie on their faces.
