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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - In addition to the Washington Monument and the Smithsonian, visitors to Washington DC may now see another unique and amazing sight: President Bush, armed with a rifle, perched atop tall buildings.
When tourist Jane Smith from Pennsylvania noticed a man with a rifle on top of a building, apparently aiming the gun at passers-by below, she and her husband, Jack, both froze in fear. They immediately called 911 on their cell phone to report what they thought was a sniper. "We were relieved to hear that it was only the President, personally doing what he thought best to protect us from evil people", Jane Smith later related.
According to U.S. Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, who gave the idea his legal imprimatur, "President Bush last week began taking the war on terror right to the terrorists, personally. So the enemy combatants, terrorists, potential future terrorists, terrorist sympathizers, etc., had better stay away from Washington DC, if they know what's good for them!"
When asked about a pregnant woman accidently shot and killed by the President a few days earlier (Doctors were also unable to save the woman's baby), Gonzales stated: "well we're fighting a global war on terror, and the battleground may be in Iraq, or it may be on Main Street, Anywhere, USA. And whenever you fight a war, there's going to be some collateral damage."
According to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, the unfortunate incident happened just after the President had identified a "high value target" (in this case a suspicious, violent-prone looking man, carrying a sign which subversively read: "no more war for Israel"). The President then drew a bead on his target, but just as the President was "squeezing off a round", the hapless woman inadvertently stepped into the bullet's path.
While Snow seemed to express some remorse over the incident, neither Gonzales nor the President were so inclined. "Had she survived being struck by the bullet, then, by way of shielding the terrorist with her body, she would technically have to be deemed a 'terrorist sympathizer'", the President remarked, shortly after the incident. Moreover, "the difference between a 'terrorist' and a 'tourist' is only a few letters, and, frankly speaking, how does anyone know that the baby would not have grown to become an 'enemy combatant' someday?", reasoned the President.
When asked whether the President's new policy of shooting people down in the streets might meet the threshold for impeachment proceedings, Rep. John Conyers, D-Mich., chair of the House Judiciary Committee, replied that "although he is personally 'outraged', by the President's new policy" , and that the President is "really pushing the envelope" in his view, he's "not sure that impeachment is really the way to go". Although Conyers did promise to conduct "hearings" into the matter.
Atty. General Gonzales has dismissed Conyer's remarks as "disingenuous political rhetoric", however. "The President is on solid legal ground here", said Gonzales. "What the President is doing is merely an incremental logical extension of his uncontested powers as Commander-in-Chief during wartime. What's the difference if the President orders someone else to do it, and that person then orders someone else to do it, who then orders someone else to do it, etc., or the President rolls-up-his-sleeves and does it himself? The difference is that you avoid inefficiency and bureaucratic red tape. Moreover the President finds it very exhilarating to be part of the front lines in the 'War on Terror'. It's an idea that holds great appeal for the President's conservative base."
