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You may have noticed that a lot of people write public letters to me to plead for their annoying causes. Normally, I would never read anything as mundane as an open letter, but I am getting bored with so little to do as President. It was going to write another mellifluous yet empty speech, but I have proven that I can do that anytime. I cannot help but chuckle as I read some of the public letters directed to me because these plaintive missives ooze with an earnest rectitude that would have meant more to me at one time than mere campaign rhetoric. I have moved well beyond any realm in which I could be reached by these pathetic supplications.Many of my critics complain that the people who manipulated our economy to the brink of disaster are still driving the bus. My supporters in the financial services industry made billions of dollars by peddling fraudulent investments known as derivatives, and they practically destroyed the economy through their zealous greed, but I have made sure that the Department of the Obstruction of Justice will look forward (narrowly, to be sure) rather than backward. Occasionally, certain members of Congress and I will blather about tightening regulations for corporations, and these proposals for progressive change will be reported by the media as if there is some possibility that progressive policy proposals actually might be enacted. You also may win the lottery.
I know that some progressives are trying to stir up trouble concerning my recent defense of the Democrats in Congress who are hindering any possibility for progressive reforms. These pusillanimous purveyors of gloom and doom should remember that, before I became President, I was one of those members of Congress who was hindering any possibility of progressive reforms. Although we know that it may seem cruel to tease the masses, certain members of Congress and I periodically will talk about increasing taxes on the people in the financial services industry who robbed trillions of dollars from millions of Americans who were trying to save money for their golden years. Rest assured that these tax increases will never happen because that would reduce our campaign bribes (I mean campaign donations). Because we will engage in cheap talk about reforming our tax system, the public will be satisfied that they can hope for some justice in our tax system, but you and I are both adults.
To borrow a phrase from Neil Young, my foreign policy has a kinder, gentler machine-gun hand, and that should be sufficient to muddy the water long enough to ensure my re-election. I am sure that most Americans support our mission in Afghanistan even though we do not know what our mission is in Afghanistan. Some of my critics like to talk about the double-standard that is applied to Cuba as compared to China, and these nattering nabobs of negativism also complain that our support for the people who demonstrated against the Iranian government is hypocritical with respect to our failure to attempt to restore any integrity to our own elections. I do not like to talk about these matters.
I have said that we do not torture, and we are not torturing anybody on this particular day, but because I am making sure that the people responsible for torture are not held accountable for their actions, it will be possible to engage in torture much more easily whenever we determine that it may be necessary. Some of my supporters are disappointed that we protect the war criminals and terrorists within our own government, but these government officials were just issuing orders.
Even some of my supporters object to my plans to create a policy of indefinite detention for some of the people who get caught up in our endless war on terrorism, and some of my critics have contended that many innocent people will be imprisoned for many years because these people will never have a right to legal proceedings which could prove that they are being held without evidence of culpability. It is worth noting that some prisoners cannot be allowed to have access to our legal system because the evidence against them is extremely weak and/or was obtained via torture. We now live in the land of nine-eleven changed everything, and we cannot allow our brutal treatment of these prisoners to become the center of attention. God bless America.
Due to my support of the FISA Amendments Act of 2008, I now have the ability to monitor everyone 24/7 without any meaningful oversight by either Congress or the Judiciary. I see you when you're sleeping; I see when you're awake; I know when you've been good or bad, so be good for goodness sake. No, seriously, you better not pout and you better not cry; you better be good; I'm telling you why. This means you.
Although unemployment seems to be getting worse, there could be some jobs opening in the health insurance industry if events go as planned. Because the Stimulus Bill was primarily a vehicle for inefficient tax cuts, we really did not expect this legislation to have much impact on the economy. As we demonstrated with my support for the TARP legislation last year, it is always preferable to enact bad legislation promptly before people have time to expect wiser heads to craft something that would be effective. Despite my duplicity and shallow rhetoric, I know that I can expect the continued support of most Americans as we make sure that no health insurance companies have to worry about whether they can afford to overcompensate their executives. I am just kidding because that is not something about which they need to worry.
I am sending this letter to Blaine Kinsey, to mock him because even though Mr. Kinsey does not support me, I know that most Americans will vote for me regardless of what I do. Some liberals may try to bluff me, but all I have to do is scream "Sarah Palin", and they respond like Pavlov's dog. Thank you.
Insincerely,
President Barack Obama
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