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Dear Hank,
I've come up with a plan to solve your current crisis. Although I don't have exact figures, according to the Population Clock, the US population reached 300 million in mid-October, 2006. As I understand things, you're asking for $700,000,000,000 to bail out Wall Street. Of course, we both know that the sum will rise over the next few hours, day, months, so I've opted to base my plan on an even $1,000,000,000,000.
My suggestion is that rather than just printing a bunch of new money, you print 300,000,000 invoices for $3,334.00 each and mail them to each member of the population. Unfortunately, not all of the population is of working age, and even some of those who are of working age find themselves among the unemployed, so the burden will have to fall to the families of those individuals.
The upper 1-2% of the earners will be able to pay a lump sum, which will give you some immediate relief. Everyone else will have to fall into a payment plan, and to expedite things for you, I've worked out a simple schedule:
1 year $278/month/person
2 year $139/
3 year $ 93/
5 year $ 56/
Personally, I don't think it fair that any interest be attached to these payments; however, you might think of opening a PayPal account to allow people the option of putting their payment on a credit card. This will help the banks to some degree.
I'm sure you will receive enormous support for this plan, Hank as people across the nation will eagerly make payments directly to your office. If I can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to call me at 1-555-382-5968.
Very sincerely,
Angelo
