In this place I write things just because. They don't have to follow the theme of
autism or even be important. They are just little bits of me.
However, my life is full of autism so it seems to theme everything I do, even when I don't intend it to. I believe that is about to happen again.
You see my autistic man/son hurts my chances with men.
He also hurts my credibility in autism because he seems so low functioning that if you didn't know how high functioning he is in comparison to all the expectations laid out for him by doctors, teachers, neighbors and such, you would think I don't know what I am doing as an autism expert.
And like with my credibility, in the marrying department he not only hurts me he helps me.
You see, men like to marry me because I am loving yet aloof, romantic yet busy. And I don't have the usual monogamy behavioral boundaries: dealing with autism has required that I become emotionally open and wholly nonjudgmental. Men also like to marry me because they feel "special" when they "hang out" in the same room as my crazy, music-loving, sound-making son.
They leave me for all the same reasons.
I know they like to marry me because they did it a lot. In reality it happened a lot less than it could have. For years the fear of there being a negative effect on my children if I were a dating mom rushed me (and my libido) into being a marrying mom.
Several years ago husband #1--who was the father of all my biological children--circled back to become my best friend and right hand helper. Unfortunately, once I got accustomed to the use of him as my new right hand, he died.
His and I's reunion kind of wrapped my romantic relationships together and made my story understandable to the Hollywood-Harlequin-Disney-Minded -Nosy-Neighbors of life: Obviously he was "the one" and I had just been rebounding! It was easier to hold my head up, but it still left me with a large number of ex-husbands (5), 7 independent grown up and gone children, and one very dependent man-child.
So nowadays I hang out with my over-sized man/child. And while he hurts my reputation and tarnishes my credibility, he also gives meaning and motivation to my not so Disney life.
He keeps the men at bay.
He is my friend.
He wants to move out when he is forty.
Till then I get loads of snuggles, have a movie buddy, dance partner, student, teacher, total acceptance, appreciation and a grocery carrying side-kick.
Until then I am happy to report -- no one is marrying me.