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Larry Flynt To Run For Mayor Of New Orleansby Editilla O'rilla d'Aphasia…”on the beat off the record"
[dateline: Flint, Michigan]
One-time Presidential candidate, free speech activist, beaver enthusiast and inventor of "The Wheelie! Protective Cup", Larry Flynt announced today his intention to run for mayor of New Orleans. But why announce in Flint, Michigan? "Well, I like the name recognition." says Flynt, in Flint. "People often call me a skin-flint. And also, everyone knows how Flint starred in Michael Moore's first movie. What a lot of people don't know is that Michael starred in one of my movies back in the 70s and worked for me as a cub intern early in his career. That's right. Where do you think he first learned the secret ins and outs of hidden-camera blackma—errr'ah, I mean, documentary film making? But does he ever remember to mention who gave him his first shot, who broke him in, showed him the ropes, taught him how to struggle, how to behave, how to say 'yes please, Mr. Flynt, may I have another?' Does he ever think of me when palms his little Oscar? Nah! What a pig."
When asked about his reasons for leaving a lucrative position at the head of such an Ostentatious Pornography Potentatency (OPP) to try to run the city of New Orleans, arguably the least lucrative work in the OPP business, the Master Bater had this to say, "Leave this? You gotta be joking. But hey, did not Nagin prove that you don't have to actually "live" in the city to be elected mayor, much less show up for work? Plus I already have a Hustler Club down there on Bourbon St, which would save the city a bundle on office space, secretaries, VIP "conference" rooms and Congressional lays --errrah, I mean, liaisons."
Larry Mack went on to further expoundulate upon his new fetish for Louisiana politics, "New Hell! I've been making butt'loads of money off of Louisiana politicians for years. It’s just lately that I didn't even have to pay any money up front. Wish I'd'a figured that one out sooner, like when I was opening my club. Jezuz'Judaz! Now THAT cost a porkin' tub-0-greese! But it turns out to be a much better return on investment this way. Yeah, there's the cost of the occasional lie detector tests, but that's what, 150 bucks? Chump change. That reward money I used to entrap, errr'ah, I mean…ensnare Sen. Bob “Make a” Livingston? It all came from donations! I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And get this, the magazine revenues generated by that one 'outing' paid for a lot of my girls to finish high school—errr’ah, I mean college, let me tell you. I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And this guy Vitter? Aw man, what a gold mine! I can’t beat 'em off with a stick!"
Finally, I asked the the Porn King and Potential Potentate if he wasn't at least slightly afraid of another hurricane striking the city, and his plans for evacuation, given the current mayor's sad state of preparedness and his own evacuationally challenged modus ambulatus. "You are kidding right?", rasped Flynt, "Why, I've been shot out, laid out, blacked-out, black-mailed and priority-mailed. I've been rolled, bowled, doled, trolled, pimped and gimped. I've had my chest shaved. I've had my legs shaved. Wanna see my butt? I've even had my butt shaved! And don't ask me about wax jobs. I've been whipped, dipped, stripped and tipped. I've had midgets walk all over my back in gold lame‘ and purple rhinestone spiked heels while drinking gatorade and laughing like cute little tiger'fans. I'm so bad my mama had to ask permission for me to attend elementary school. My daddy used to beat me over the head just for lookin' crosseyed. You think I'm gonna be afraid of a little old hurricane? Damn Right! But I have a plan. A big plan. Big big big. We'll market New Orleans as, get ready, you're gonna love this…we'll get Fox to do a cop show, right? Name it: "Hustler & Blow", about a white chic/black guy team, where she's not really a chic and he's not really a cop or black but a caramel'colored, not from Louisiana either and needs a blow job every couple of hours to stay focused... Anyway, I'll be long gone before any of you suckers even think about calling the mayor with your problems. Evacuation Esshhmacuation! "
Campaign slogan anyone?
