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...or best creative writing by a scam artist.Anyone who has an email account has no doubt received an email (ok, many emails) about some hapless fool that has somehow gotten stuck in an untenable situation, and away from their money. One would think that people would try to have money before getting into an untenable situation, make sure to bring their bank card, or not get into these situations in the first place. Alas, in the world of the Internet scam, it is their lack of money that is the supposed cause for you receiving their email.
I have read quite a few of these, and I always find them amusing. It's like when I pull up to a traffic light, or the local gas station, and I am panhandled with either the "I have no food," or, "I have no gas," or even, "I am a Christian, and I made these things (food items, pot holders, doilies, etc), give me your money!"
The assumption is that I should be willing to buy these things, or give away my money as if I am in no need for money myself. I guess eleven years of living in Dallas, and hearing these manifold bullshit tales, I am just not that easy to impress. I rarely give up cash for such lunacy in person, and I NEVER give up anything to anyone coming at me by way of the Internet.
However, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a creative piece of fiction, even if it was obviously written by someone that has not even a nodding acquaintance with the English Language. As a matter of fact, I do sometimes find myself reading these frought-with-woe missives, and complimenting the author for a creative twist on the same old bullshit story. I don't usually give them points for writing ability, but you can't have it all...or can you?
I digress...
About a week or so ago, I got one that I thought was really creative. It had it all: mystery, intrigue, a "cancer problem", "stroke sickness", death, and my total favorite, "ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD."
Oh, my friends, it was lovely! I almost got a tear in my eye...mostly because I coughed from laughing at this pathetic tale of woe, and blew some ashes out of my weed pipe and into my bloodshot eyes.
Below is the email of which I speak. I am posting it here as a public service. I am also hoping to start a collection of these mangled monetary mooching missives. With that idea in mind, I'd love to read the missives you have received from persons like Mrs. Sandra Watson below. Or, if you really want to get super-creative, and come up with one of your own! That would be even better. All are welcome.
BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE.....
PRIVATE GREETINGS AND COMPLIMENTS.
From: Mrs. Sandra Watson
Email: mrssandrawat@aim.com
ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD. (1)
I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Dr Christopher Watson who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 18Million Dollars (eighteen Million United State Dollars) with the BANK in Europe (2)
Presently, this money is still with the BANK. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use these funds to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. (3)
I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. (4)
Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. (5)
With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in Europe I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or Christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. (6)
Hoping to hearing from you. (7)
I have set aside 20% for you and for your time and 10% for any expenses if there is any . Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ, (8)
Mrs. Mrs. Sandra Watson
Note: reply Email: mrssandrawat@aim.com
END FORWARDED MESSAGE.....
So, there you have it, the first of what I hope to be many messages, both old and new. Please, don't send duplicates.
Can you do better than our harried heroine above? As you can see by the footnotes below, our poor victim not only has a cancer problem and stroke sickness, she didn't spend a lot of time studying grammar, syntax, verb tense matching, and other literacy skills. Surely, folks who have some experience writing can do a better job than this!
Consider it a test for creativity. Can you not only come up with as good a story as Mrs. Watson, but write it in a manner that speaks of literacy? Or, can you make the story interesting, and butcher the language even better? Either is fine with me!
I am looking for creative, not the same old, same old. If you want to do one of your own, make it as far out and improbable as humanly possible. If you are sending one that you received, please make sure it's different and unique, not like others (hopefully) posted here.
Hoping to hearing from you soon!
Blessed be!
Pappy
(1) Endeavour? Is our author British? Children of god? Aren't we all...supposedly?
(2) Which BANK, and where is the period in that final sentence?
(3) Cancer problem? Stroke Sickness? Which BANK?
(4) Ungodly manner? Would using it to buy weed be considered ungodly?
(5) Love the syntactical errors, don't you?
(6) What is "sourcing" anyway?
(7) Hoping to hearing from you soon? Alrighty then!
(8) She's set aside 30% for little old me? How generous!
