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“She just, like, totally annoys me, y’know? It’s always, like, ‘Sarah this,’ and, ‘Sarah that.’ It’s sooooo stupid, y’know? Makes me totally sick, y’know? Anyone could have juggled those baby harbor seals and won Junior Miss, but, nooooooo! Because Sarah did it, it had to be something special, y’know? Like, roll out the red carpet so Sarah could, like, walk all over people, y’know? Y’know?”
Y’know.
And with that statement the culprit in the Great Email Kyping Caper of this election year was hauled off in leg-irons to await a hearing before a Juneau, Alaska criminal law judge.
Normally this sort of (-prank-) crime results in a slap on the wrist and administrative probation, but because the alleged hacker crossed state lines with several of the (-juicier-) sensitive emails, traversing over autonomous Indian territory in the process, the FBI is sending in a team of (-crack-smoking geeks-) crack forensic computer experts to determine the scope of the (-bullshit-) identity theft that’s occurred in this case.
Because of the involvement of other sovereign nations in this crime, Chief Smoking Bull of the Ottowan Nation will be taking time away from the construction of his fifth gambling casino to work with federal officials to determine who has jurisdiction in this matter.
