::::::::
Satire
Gallup New Mexico--Researchers at the University of Hamsherfordermor in England have announced a major breakthrough in employee technology termed as 'Enhanced Employee Response Techniques.' The techniques have shown remarkable results in employee efficiency outcomes.
Inspired by the use of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques to keep the Western World safe from terrorists. The Enhanced Employee Response Techniques research was funded in part by the Central Intelligence Agency. Using these techniques, scientists were able to develop harsh employee treatments for maximum productivity using some of the latest technologies.
A team of scientists led by Dr. Hard Workem found that by utilizing appropriate pain thresholds for minimum time intervals, employees would deliver more work episodes for a longer duration than using previously tested methods of persuasion and/or behavioral rewards for worker productivity.
Basically, the team of scientists utilized RFID chip technology implanted near the employee's hair line, so as not to be noticeable and to be near areas of cerebral functioning, to send signals of pain to the brain.
Dr. Workem said, " We were very excited to see that our Enhanced Employee Response Techniques elicited such immediate reactions."
What Dr. Workem and his team found was that employees would immediately attempt to do a project when the pain sensations were signaled in the brain.
The Enhanced Employee Response Technology also has broader implications for retail, service, farm, and other manual work intensive enterprises.
"Our chip technology acts as a receiver as well as a sender of information. What we found is that the chips could be used to determine actual work related movement and that could be used to determine, to a precise degree, pay for actual time in work movement," said Dr. Workem.
For instance, Dr. Workem excitedly explained that the team was able to determine how much time was spent in movement on a given task. When the employee stopped actual work related movement, the chip would register the lack of productivity and the worker would not receive pay for time spent in unproductive movement or activities.
Dr. Workem notes, "We found that a typical worker on an 8 hour workday at a retail store would actually only be engaging in work related movement about 5 and half hours a day. The rest of the time the worker might be moving around the job site, discussing projects, engaging in conversations, or stopping movement for whatever reason. When the lack of hand or arm movement was noted by the brain our chips would register that information and the worker would be taken off the clock."
The team was able to improve real work movement by administering periodic pain prompters to the brain when work slowed or there was a noticeable lack of activity.
Cynthia Smiley one of the employees tested said that she doesn't mind the pain and not getting paid for her full 8 hours at the job site.
"I don't think people should get paid unless they are actually working. Sure the day was filled with a lot of pain but that taught me that I was not using all of my time productively. I did a lot of running and waving my arms and hands around but I noticed I moved a lot quicker. That's gonna help make my work better." Ms. Smiley said.
Already Dr. Workem and his team are planning pilot projects in major American retailers.
Retailers contacted said that they were excited about the technology and hoped to utilize it quickly. Dr. Workem believes that Enhanced Employee Response Techniques will soon be implemented throughout the United States. Dr. Workem said that the US is more open to worker productivity improvements.
Enhanced Employee Response Technologies are an example of government strategies and technologies that find their way into the private sector. A CIA consultant on the project Hank Pain said that he sees a worldwide application for "Enhanced Employee Response. " Mr. Pain said that when he and his colleagues used pain technologies on terrorists they found that the terrorists would "talk."
Mr. Pain said, "Hey when you want to make an omelet you got to crack some eggs. Just like in business, when you want to be productive you got to crack the whip. Or like when you raise kids, you got to beat them. That is the way you get things done."
Mr. Pain and Dr. Workem both agree that there are other valuable strategies to be utilized from the CIA's Enhanced Interrogation Techniques in the private sector. They are presently planning sleep deprivation, sexual humiliation, drowning simulations, physical intimidation, and beating experiments to see how much productivity can be enhanced in the business world.
