Gonzo Super Bowl Diary

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Gonzo Super Bowl Diary

They’re showing these little pre-taped close-ups that are well shot. They showed Tom Brady last and he when said “we are the New England Patriots” I thought Game Over. Sorry but this guy is Superman and you don’t tug on supey’s cape.

If the Pats lose it will be a crushing blow to everything that’s clean and noble and well, perfect about America. At least ny will be happy.

When Jordan Sparks – who did a nice job on the song, I thought – got to the la-and of the fa-reeee climax and the F-16s screamed by like angry eagles I admit this keep-flag-burning-legal ex-hippie got a little carried away. The whole thing says we are Ameri-fucking-ka. Do NOT mess with us – we have AIR SUPERIORITY.

Brady is so competitive that he kicked the ground when they lost the coin-toss! He’s benched for the start – so a pretty good play by the Giants all in all. It will be the slightly troubled-looking little brother of Peyton Manning. The kind of kid who was born with a chip on his shoulder but with an inner Tony Perkins that just might rear up and bite you.

Plaxico Burress’ eyes are as big as saucers – the better to see the ball in a shitstorm. Manning, now looking very NY obnoxious, with an irritating, punk smile like the smartass fans you see behind home plate. Strange.

The Pats look worried as the Giants have now crossed the 50 yard line and are looking very feisty in what look like prison-issue uniforms.

Brady sitting on the bench as the Giants drive the field, the other guy getting all the glory. Superman’s cape? A loogie into the wind?

Brady suddenly looking very human on the first drive but they score anyway. Giants have blown two scoring opo’s… and Maria Shriver has endorsed Obama. This is a very good strategy from the point of view of Clinton restorationists like me. Keep Obama close until the convention and show that the demo party is behind the black dude. Then make him take VP. Imagine if he refused? A lot of black folks might say “huh?” don’t forget if Brady goes down, the placeholder guy steps in, Barry. You’d feel pretty stupid if Hillary choked on a piece of gristle.

One minute left in the half. Brady spending a lot of time horizontal examining the turf closeup. Not looking at all like Superman – more like Achilles with a bad heel. I was worried when I saw Giselle in the stands – very bad luck as we’ve seen this season.

Half time musings -------------------------------------------------------------

So now we get to find out what Brady is made of. But if the line can’t protect him… Truth is the guy’s only flesh and blood and has been hit like a piñata all through the half. What do they have, like 70 yards total offense? He needs to give the offensive line the hairy eyeball in the locker room. This is step up time. Now let’s see if the word Veteran has any meaning - do you try too hard when things look desperate or does time slow down and you ruthlessly probe the weaknesses of the guy across the line from you?

This is more than a bit scary for NE. The good news is that they go into the locker room in the lead – so why does it feel like the dynasty is in danger of shattering like an antique teacup and permanently pissing on the joy the Sox have brought?

This is where I get to test my theory – life is making first downs. Or is it about big plays? We shall see. Right now I’m going to check out as much as Tom Petty as I can bear. I like the guy but it just doesn’t fit. I’ll watch a few commercials instead.

Just showed a Hyundai Genesis commercial – had to go to spell check for that – this car has the tail of the BMW 7 series and the front of the big Merc. It’s a photoshop car!!

Brady warming up on the sidelines looks like the cheetah I saw on NatGeo who was getting its ass kicked by a bunch of wild boars until it remembered it was a big cat, jumped fifteen feet straight up and the boars said ok, the kids are safe - we’re done for the day.

His eyes do not look happy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done before, Tom. I get the feeling that he is not used to having to be a leader in the locker room – it wasn't necessary before and Bellichek is a domineering presence. Newsflash: You’re not just one of the players, Tom. How do you spell q u a r t e r b a c k?

2nd half --------------------------------------------------------------

Kickoff. The Giants simply look tougher and more physical. Playing smashmouth ball – street ball.

12 Giants on the field keeps the Pats drive alive after a bizarre replay. Why does Bellicheck get to make up his own rules? If they don’t capitalize on this they’ll miss out on one of those devastating psychological turning points. As for the Giants this bonehead play is more of the same. And why keep giving the ball back to a team that has, um scored about four zillions points this season, called The New England Patriots in case they hadn’t noticed. A pass-completing machine.

So they go on 4th and 14 at the 35 – try to jump like Cheetah – but the NY Wild Boars are still holding Brady down in the dust… it’s starting to feel very cold in New England. Now the comparisons will start. Because Joe Montana is still the all-time, all-solar system starting QB. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen him will his way out of these situations. If Brady tanks today, I wouldn’t want to be Giselle Bundchen. She won’t be able to get a decent table ever again. Assassination threats a real possibility. I mean how hungry can you be when she’s cooking dinner? When she is dinner? They’ll last a week then she will drop him like a baby toad – as well she should.

Time for Eli to take center stage. Not really his fault, but the Giants have taken on his personality. Scoring opps galore but it’s that nagging doubt he’s faced his whole life. – Now let’s see if the chip is gone.

*Sigh* even though Eli had the irritating little smile on his face, they punted. Looks like it’s going to be a defensive struggle. At least it’s not a blowout and it will prob come down to the last 10 minutes.

Welker – scrappy possession-type receiver is stepping up. Good guy to have if you’re ever stuck on a mountain.

Pats misfire again on a long bomb – too much pressure from the rush. I guess it’s about first downs and not air power – at least so far. Hopefully they will lull the giants secondary to sleep and save a big play for the end game.

Giselle sipping expensive wine from an oversized glass: flag on the play! this not what the Pats need right now. How many wine commercials have run today? It’s a big bowl of Wrong.

Glad to see Steve Smith make a big third down catch. All we have is USC to root for in LA so now we watch how these guys do in the pros – we have no pigskin heroes like in days of yore so we’re forced to look up stats on Carson Palmer.

NY in the red zone again. If they don’t get seven they will let Superman off the mat, still breathing. I like Manning’s throwing motion. Wonder if he had instruction from an early age? By early I mean like 9 months.

Manning’s offensive line looks like some sort of natural geological formation – like one side of a box canyon.

Touchdown Giants. Manning guns a quick slant over the middle to David Tyree. 10-7 ny.

Ok NE, time to put on a show for the customers. Guys like Moss are paid a lot of money to work under these conditions. Bring it or give back part of the paycheck, Randy.

Jeez – how many bullets can the Pats dodge? How are they still in this game? Will the gods restore order and intervene like they have all season on behalf of their obvious favorites?

Pats on the move. Joe Montana time. Will you be sitting on the bench Tom, when we play the Andromeda Galaxy All-Stars? Time to find out.

Umaniura or whatever his name is is doubled over on the sideline. Brady will have time to throw.

The Giants defensive line is crumbling. Completely out of gas. Tom just had an eternity to throw the ball. He doesn’t suck.

Pats now 1st and goal. In my heart I want a field goal – NY deserved this one. That’s the problem with deserving, I guess. That and 25 cents will get you a blowjob but only if you’re giving it. A td now and peace will reign, Giselle can go back to her penthouse and apply expensive emollients made from the foreskins of Aborigine newborns.

That’s a big Nope. He just missed Moss wide open in the end zone with no rush. No matter what happens next, Montana starts. He never would have missed that throw. If Brady doesn’t throw one great pass this game but wins I will lodge a formal protest.

Brady to Moss for six points. Moss keeps his dough. Webster – the CB fell down, though. The Giants are playing like losers. They moved the ball but didn’t score. so much for 1st down theory. Life’s a little more generous than football because in football all you need to watch is the scoreboard. But how do you leave Moss in single coverage at the two yard line? Make someone else beat you. the replay shows Corey Webster’s legs suddenly turned into rubber pretzels as Moss faked to the corner then loped toward the goal post.

Manning will have a little over two minutes left. This is exhausting. No way can I imagine him driving for the touchdown, but hey – he’s a Manning. With all the hoopla over Brady we forget this guy ain’t exactly chopped liver.

Weird little Eli – how grande are your huevos? Big bro is watching from the skybox. I will say this – if ny can avoid a major mistake… Eli still has that slightly demented, inappropriate smile… here goes…

Is Plaxico B. an R. Moss? He sure has the coolest name in the world. No time to favor the bum knee, Plaxster. I’d like to see Smith make a big play. No drops please, guys.

It’s official. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are hopeless imbeciles who should immediately be frog-marched out of the booth in handcuffs and replaced with the first two fans they see. They’re wondering if ny should go for it on 4th and a foot on their own 40 with 1:40 to play? Or should they give the ball back to – let’s see – oh, you know – what’s his name? A fine capper to a terminally lackluster commentary.

Made the yard no problem, Joe and Troy. But Manning is now spraying interceptable balls over the field like a twelve year old boy learning how to jack off. “Eli! What are you doing in there?” “Nothin’ Ma.”

Manning to Tyree for big big yards. Five, huge Pats were chasing Eli around and one had him by the shirt. He wriggled away just like he’d done when his mother caught him spray-painting the cat and then heaved a blind throw. We will grow as sick of watching this catch as we are of Montana to Clark if NY scores. Hmm… Manning’s smile is gone.

Seen it five times already – Tyree’s catch defied the laws of physics. Now how about Manning to Smith in the end zone, please?

Red zone ahead. No running allowed. Time to fire a few into the end zone – no int.s’, boys.

MANNING TO SMITH!!!! First down deep in the zone. Amazing footwork.. raw talent on display. Go USC.

Manning to Burress. Gorgeous spiral. Money touchdown. Take that, Randy moss. Giselle looks bored already. She has some pretty good options lined up after Tom. After all can you take him to Tuscany, the Riviera? He’d stay in his room and read comics. She’s got plenty $, so…. I were her, I’d go for a guy – well, a guy like me, actually. Good company. Been around the block. Know what fork to use. Bottom line: we’ll laugh a LOT. Especially me. tom’s career will be over in a few years, then what? Hey, who needs a supermodel with tons of cash anyway?

NE has the ball with 35 ticks. Brady starting to resemble a crash test dummy. I swear he looked up into the box and said please don’t leave me.

Jesus Christ!! Moss almost caught the bomb. Probably been setting this up all game. Pass was two yards short. Moss - What a pro. How do you spell O-PEN? Buck and Aikman seem to be saying that no human could have thrown it further. What is their problem?

Game over. Giants win the 2008 superbowl.

Aw jeez - don’t worry about that one friggin second on the clock – where’s Bornstein? Just tell everyone don’t sweat it - you can all go home.

What an ending. Had to clear the field and run a final play. How’d you like to be a NE guy having to trudge onto the field one more time to watch Manning take a knee. You just saw that long road you’d bled for every inch end in a pratfall – a nightmare where your arms and legs wouldn’t seem to cooperate… now let’s have a replay?

So. Little bro rose up and made ‘em all bow down to the Master of All Masters. Ok, Peyton you take a knee now and collect your skull noogies. That’s for all the noises you made when you knew I was afraid of the dark, and THAT’S for the time you and Coop dipped my hand in water and told that cute girl how I wet my bed. Sweet.

Wow. Plaxico buress just cried. He suddenly stopped talking and looked away but I swear a tiny sob got past his lips. I got a little choked up myself.

Poor Bellichek. Dead man walking. He looks like someone just removed his heart with a cantaloupe scoop.

Game Over ----------------------------------------

So now the Q: What is the story? Where is it? as I see it there are several:

1. How long will Giselle hang around?

Tom’s uber-male genes were what she needed for a while – like that movie Species where Natasha Henstridge needs to mate with male humans so their spawn can destroy the human race . But in the end, no man is superman and isn’t that what the Greeks kept pounding into our heads? Give the guy credit. He tried to stay humble but he forgot his roots. He got where he is through desperate hunger and blind will. He won a couple Super Bowls and still got no respect. But as I pointed out when they first ran onto the field (ahem) how hungry can one stay with Giselle peeling mangoes in a maid’s outfit? And who did Eli have in the skybox? His frickin’ older brother. NFL games should be akin to sailing vessels. No famous girlfriends allowed.

2. Manning’s weirdo smile at the beginning of the game.

Major clue. The guy wasn't nervous. He was a goddamn cocky-ass punk! And the reason he was so cocky brings us to the final and most important lesson of all, children, especially when you are talking about the ultimate clash of humans on the planet short of warfare – leaving out the world cup perhaps and maybe the original greek Olympics where the champion of champions was crowned…

3. It’s about talent.

Tom may have A+++ talent but Archie’s little boy came out of the womb throwing a sideline pass with a minute to play as they say in the sportswriter’s phrasebook. Eli’s football genes were superior and Giselle now realizes it’s about chiseled features no more. Tom plays above the rim but Eli soared a little higher today. Maybe by only a few inches but those few inches can make you look bad.

Sure it’s a team and there were dozens of key plays but when the dust settled Eli Manning walked away as the best QUARTERBACK on the field today. Just like in High School. And it’s not just that he won the Super Bowl.

He did it with a smile.