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When God stopped by the other morning on His way to work to have a cup of coffee, we got to talking about Mitt Romney and George Bush. I asked Him about Romney saying, "I will put no doctrine of any church above the plain duties of the office and the sovereign authority of the law. A president must serve only the common cause of the people of the United States."
God said, "Well, big deal, that's bragging about doing what the law requires him to do, anyway. Your constitution already says the same thing. He might as well brag that he's not going to go walking down Pennsylvania Avenue shooting people at random. That's against the law, too, you know."
I asked God about Romney saying that his faith informs his judgment and his life. God said, "As president, that's the worst thing he could do. He'd be a lot better off using his experience to inform his judgment and his life. He can take his faith and add $3 to it and he might be able to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks."
Well, what about when he says that "I believe in my Mormon faith," and when he said he believed that Jesus Christ was the Son of God and the Savior of mankind? God said, "He's fudging, here. He's teling you what he believes instead of what he knows, if anything. If his belief is all he knows and he gets to be president, you're gonna be in trouble. George Bush acted on what he believes and look at what happened, a million innocent people killed for no reason. I'm not gonna forget that. Tell Romney to quit telling you what he believes and start telling you what he knows. He can act on what he knows, but he better not ever act on what he believes. He'll be wrong, every time, just like George Bush is.
"And, by the way, I know George Bush claims I told him to attack Iraq. Not true. Never have talked to George. I won't have anything to do with him, for obvious reasons. He made it all up."
What about this thing about Jesus being the Savior of Mankind and He's coming back to save us all? God said, "Why, Holy Jehosephat! That's the biggest bunch of bullroar I've ever heard. Just look at what happened to him when he came here the first time. Why, anybody with a lick'a sense ain't ever gonna do that again. That boy ain't ever coming back. If he started talking about a rich man going to heaven being about as likely as a camel going through the eye of a needle, why these multi-millionaire televangelists you got here would be the first to string him up, again.
"And, another thing, these so-called Christians you got here, they say that Jesus was sent here to die for the sins of mankind so that they could be saved and go to heaven. Then, they blame the Jews for killing him. You see the contradiction there? The Christians ought'a be glad that if the Jews killed him, which by the way, they didn't, then according to the Christians, they only did what needed to be done to save the Christians, otherwise they'd all be going to hell."
I asked God about all these people who speak for him and claim that He's talked to them. God said, "None of it's true. I've only talked to 10, maybe 12 people since creation, and they're all people nobody's ever heard of and they've all kept their trap shut about it. There's no one on earth who can truthfully say that I've talked to them and can prove it. And, when I leave here today, you won't be able to prove it, either.
"Now, you folks have let George Bush and his people stink up this end of the universe to where I can't stand it. I'm going to the other end, as far away as I can get, and stay there 'til you get this mess cleaned up. In biblical terms, I am forsaking you, all of you. Thanks for the coffee."
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