The loss of the notorious right-wing swine Andrew Breitbart has probably left many liberals and progressives with an empty place in their hearts. In this exclusive interview from hell we can catch up with our old friend to see how things are going.
EE: Are you surprised that you are now in Hell?
BC: Well really, I expected to live for a
lot longer than I did. I was really just getting geared up for the 2012
elections, man-o-man there was money coming in from everywhere to fund
the anti-Obama crusade. I mean the man is the most radical president of
our time, a Muslim and a commie socialist who wasn't even born in
America and he is throwing Israel under the bus. He may even be the
EE: Ummm, Andy" you do understand that you
don't have to recite the daily Republican talking points anymore now
that you have gone to your great reward right?
BC: Yeah, I guess so. Now that I have
retired I need to just relax and keep working on my tan. I'll tell you\,
California has nothing on this place, I sure could use some stronger
EE: Well you have pardon the pun, one hell of a lot of time to work on it now.
BC: Yep, and here is a pun right back
atcha, there one hell of a lot of people down here that I truly have
always admired. It's like a retirement paradise for Republicans, you
wouldn't believe how many people are here. They practically have to
shoehorn them in.
EE: I know that you've only been there for a
few months but have you been able to do much social networking? You
know, getting to know some of your neighbors for the rest of eternity?
BC: Hell yes! I am getting to know all of the great ones.
BC: Well since I am being encouraged to
name drop here's one for you that you will recognize. Mr. Stalin is very
proud of just how good of a job that the Koch Brothers are doing in
destroying America off of the fortune that they inherited from their
daddy building the oil refineries in Russia. He can't wait to meet them.
EE: Impressive, how about Der Fuhrer? Have you run into him yet?
BC: Oh yes! Mr. Hitler is really a
stand-up guy. He would make a great RNC head, in fact he is very proud
that his model has been emulated so well by Karl Rove and the
Republicans. He so enjoys playing Battleship and Risk with Mr. Churchill.
EE: You were always quite the propagandist and pathological liar, have you encountered good ole Paul Joseph Goebbels yet?
BC: Yes, he was always a personal idol of
mine. Herr Goebbels wants to give a shout out to Roger and Rupert for
taking his model and really running with it, both of them will be here
before too much longer and he can't wait to meet them. They took his
work to the next level and he is anxious to hear all of the details. He
is truly in awe of Roger.
EE: Care to share any of the really hot gossip? Again, pun is fully intended.
BC: The word is that Mr. Reagan cheats at
canasta. President Ford was right that he was going to end up in Hell
because he pardoned Nixon and the Dickster himself is here too as if
that is any surprise" he's over catching up with Charlie Colson who just
got here at pit number 5.
EE: How about Satan?
BC: Well the boss feels a bit cheated that
Dick Cheney was able to finagle a new heart, he had a really primo spot
opening up and now will have to fill it with someone else. It's a b*tch
though from what I hear, it takes a very special talent to get the gig
and there really aren't very many like old Dick. Saddam's already here
so maybe Henry Kissinger will be a good fit when the time comes which
should be soon.
EE: Anything else?
has a massive coronary in his future and they are already planning a
really big welcome home party for him. It's going to be a really raging
scorcher because the boss is his number one fan. It will be all you can
drink hot goat piss on the house for a week.
EE: Do you have any regrets? Other than
dying at 43 but it was an old 43, you really did look like sh*t if you
don't mind my saying so. I am surprised that your ticker didn't explode
Yeah, I have a few. I really wish that I could have found a better way
to break into the business other than being Matt Drudge's personal
stooge and sucking his stale flatulence out of his seat cushion for all those years. I also
just wish that I would have just sucked a dick and given in to my latent
homosexuality rather than becoming hateful and bitter like the rest of
the closeted Republicans. I also regret having that extra helping of
double-cheese fries for supper before I dropped dead. Oh well, if the
cholesterol didn't kill me I am sure that the Mossad would have, you
know Mr. Adelson and Prime Minister Netanyahu, I know that they were
both pissed that I screwed up that Shirley Sherrod thing and they were
afraid that I was going to spill my guts about where my funding came
from. But what the f*ck? I really do like it down here, I fit right in
and all of my friends will soon be joining me. I also am sorry that I
really was such a pathetic example to my children, in retrospect, being
an angry, mean-spirited professional liar might not have been the best
role model for them unless they are to go into Republican politics that
EE: Anything that you would like to say to anyone up here.
O'Keefe really needs to eat more often, he looks like an emaciated
little crack monkey already and now that I'm not around to pay him for
his sting operations he needs to get a better gig and put on some weight
or he will soon be here too.
EE: Thanks Andy, you have been really gracious, do you want the last word?
BC: Yeah, if you happen to talk to Jesus Christ Would you please let him know that Reverend Falwell said "f*ck you a**hole"!
Donn Marten is a free lance writer and consultant who resides in West Central Florida.